It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here
So, five years down this path and I’ve learned what? That I’m an idiot. That I am my own worst enemy. That the grass is not only not greener on the other side, but that sometimes the grass isn’t even authentic.
I have never inspired poetry, or a song. Though I have inspired strong, passionate emotions, usually of the negative variety. But, passion is passion. Right? I have inspired tears and pity, guilt and remorse, anger and rage, even lust. I have moved the unmovable with my words. And those words have failed me when I needed them the most. I have forced myself into a corner with the words I refuse to say and the apologies I refuse to make.
I didn’t always fight the right battles. My choices, more often than not, backfire in the most blindingly painful ways possible. Once, I could say I didn’t regret anything I’d done or choices I’d made. I can’t say that anymore. I have nothing but regrets now. All I ever wanted was freedom and all my life I’ve been running towards it. Ironic that now I’m a prisoner inside my own head and nowhere I go, no matter how far or how fast will get me any farther away from my own mental shackles than I am right this moment. I am consumed with the good intentions I had for myself that paved the way to the never-ending hell I can currently call my life. For this is my life. This is it. For the rest of it. I look around myself. What I have, what I don’t have, the loss of any previous potentiality. And I say to myself, “this is it. This is what I have left to look forward to.” I don’t have the options that “healthier” more “normal” people have. I know this and I don’t kid myself. I’m restless as I ever was, but I don’t have the resources, mentally, emotionally, etc. to allow that restlessness to influence me. I don’t have…. anything really. And with every year that passes, what I do have dwindles further and further.
And I’m tired. I’m too old to keep doing this shit but I’m too young to feel this way. I can’t get across to people who know me just how bad it is inside my head. They don’t believe it or they just can’t comprehend. I seem pretty high functioning for the most part. But I’m really not. I’m getting worse and I’ll continue to get worse. I wasn’t good enough for the ex when I was better, there’s no way I’ll ever get close to being good enough now, and I’ll just get worse as time passes but I can’t get that across to the kids.
Slowly dying and rapidly decaying. It all crashed around me about 5 years ago and it hasn’t gone right again since. When I think there can’t possibly be anymore fallout, I find out just how horribly wrong I am.
So, those apologies I won’t make? Yeah.
I’m so very, very sorry.
*Never Free
Never Me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN
You labeled me
I’ll label you
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN *
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