The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul” is the name given to that experience of spiritual desolation that all students of the Occult pass through at one time or another. It is sometimes charcterised by feelings that your occult studies or practises are not taken you anywhere, that the initial success that one is sometimes granted after a few months of occult working, has suddenly dried up. There comes a desire to give up on everything, to abandon exercises and meditation, as nothing seems to be working. St.John of the Cross. a christian mystic, said of this experience, that it;

“…puts the sensory spiritual appetites to sleep, deadens them, and deprives them of the ability to find pleasure in anything. It binds the imagination, and impeeds it from doing any good discursive work. It makes the memory cease, the intellect become dark and unable to understand anything, and hence it causes the will to become arrid and constrained, and all the faculties empty and useless. And over this hangs a dense and burdensome cloud, which afflicts the soul, and keeps it withdrawn from the good.”

Though the beginner may view the onset of such an experience with alarm (I know I did), the “Dark Night” is not something bad or destructive. In one sense it may be seen as a trial, a test by which the Gods examine our resolve to continue with occult work, and if you are not completely whole-hearted about your magical studies, it is during this period (at its beginning) that you will give up. The Dark Night of the Soul should be welcomened, once recognised for what it is (I have always received an innate “warning” just before the onset of such a period), as a person might welcome an operation that will secure health and wellbeing. St.John of the Cross embraced the soul`s Dark Night as a Devine Appointment, calling it a period of “sheer grace” and adding;

“O guiding Night,
O Night more lovely than Dawn,
O Night that has united the lover with his beloved
Transforming the Lover in her Beloved.”

When entering the Dark Night one is overcome by a sense of spiritual dryness and depression. The notion, in some quarters, that all such experiences should be avoided, for a peaceful existence, shows up the superficiality of so much of contemporary living. The Dark Night is a way of bringing the Soul to stillness, so that deep psychic transformation may take place. All distractions must be set aside, and it is no good attempting to fight or channel the bursts of raw energy that from time to time may course through your being. This inner compulsion to set everything aside results in the outer depression, when nothing seems to excite.

The only thing to do is obey your inner voice and become still, waiting for the inner transformation, (which the “Dark Night” heralds), to take place. You may not be aware for a very long time of the results of that inner change, but when the desire to work comes againand the depression lifts, the Dark Night has (for a moment) passed. No one can help during this time, and in many cases there is hardly anyone to turn for advice. One must disregard the well-meaning advice of family and friends to “snap out of it” this is no ordinary depression, but a deep spiritual experience which only those who have passed through themselves (in other words to a magical retreat) but for many, as the routines of everyday life prohibits this, all you can do is cultivate an inner solitude, a stillness and silence of heart, and wait, (like a chrysalis waits for the inner changes that will result in a butterfly) for the Transformation to work itself out. There are many such “Dark Nights” that the occult seeker must pass through during the mysterious process of mitigation. They are all trials but experience teaches one to cope more efficiently.

With fractalic greetings and laughter * Fra.: Apfelmann *

Copied from the Sacred Texts web site.

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Liber Luciferi

And Lucifer said “Indeed knowledge is power, but understanding is the key. There stands before you a door to reality, locked by the conscious. All the power in the world can not open it without the key.”

Excerpt from the “Antinomicon: Liber Luciferi”

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The Lament for Lucifer

Close my eyes to the sunlight
My Morning Star, my storm
Fold your wings in grace and take your leave of me
Taste my blessings as you go
We will not lie as one again
For my womb is a garden of rot
My heart is ashes
My tears are blood
Hunt well, my breath, and take with you
the bones of our children wrapped in palm leaves
Scatter them to the horizons and allay their cries
I shall tend a grave of deep water
And shall wash away or enemies
Bide well, my desert wind
Hold aloft your blade and oil it with tears
I shall be the owl upon the nightwind
The cat with silent paws
And the serpent at the heels of Caine
I shall be the seed of tears
but my eyes will be sand and silence
My heart shall be the desert and the sea
And my cry shall be the owl gone hunting
As the sun departs my sky
weep not my beloved
but hold me close in your distant chase
We shall be the thorns of ruined Eden
Forget me not
Sun to my Moon
Cry to my Silence

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Tarot Cards

I just picked up the Dark Angels Tarot.  Next, I’m ordering Tarot of the Angels by the same company and The Vampire Tarot of the Eternal Night Kit.  I’ve
gotta say, the Dark Angels Tarot is *very* dark.  The more I look at
it, the heavier it weighs on me mentally.  It’s a really nice deck,
though, it kind of defies traditional reading.  I’ve always been the
type to read by memorization and logic.  This deck, I think, is going
to help me get out of that.  One thing, though, that this deck has done for me, so far, is helped me
to narrow my focus on my altar theme.  I’ve decided I’m sticking to
angelic symbology.  I’ve also decided I *am* going to invest in one of
the more expensive chalices I like so much.  So, anyway, at this point, I guess it’s safe to say I’m back to collecting Tarot decks again.

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Scientists discover leviathan ‘monster’ whale confirms Bible

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LeviathanThis is a featured page

Leviathan - Mythical Creatures and Beasts
Leviathan (Hebrew for “Twisted; coiled”) was a Biblical sea monster referred to in the Old Testament (Psalm 74:13-14; Job 41; Isaiah 27:1). The word leviathan has become synonymous with any large sea monster or creature. In the novel Moby-Dick it refers to great whales, and in Modern Hebrew, it means simply “whale”.


Leviathan, Behemoth and Ziz

According to legend, Leviathan originally had a mate, Taninim (Hebrew for “sea monster, crocodile or large snake”).
God created a male and female Leviathan, then killed the female, for if the Leviathans were to procreate the world could not stand before them.

The Leviathan was a monstrous fish
created on the fifth day of Creation. The Leviathan will be slain and its flesh served as a feast to the righteous in [the] Time to Come, and its skin used to cover the tent where the banquet will take place.”
There is another religious hymn recited on the festival of Shavuot (celebrating the giving of the Torah), known as Akdamut, wherein it says: “…The sport with the Leviathanand the ox (Behemoth)…When they will interlock with one another and engage in combat, with his horns the Behemoth will gore with strength, the fish [Leviathan] will leap to meet him with his fins, with power. Their Creator will approach them with his mighty sword [and slay them
both].” Thus, “from the beautiful skin of the Leviathan, God will construct canopies to shelter the righteous, who will eat the meat of the Behemoth [ox] and the Leviathan amid great joy and merriment, at a huge banquet that will be given for them.” Some rabbinical commentators say these accounts are allegorical (Artscroll siddur, p. 719), or symbolic of the end of conflict.
In a legend recorded in the Midrash called Pirke de-Rabbi Eliezer it is stated that the whale which swallowed Jonah narrowly avoided being eaten by the Leviathan, which generally eats one whale each day. In a hymn by Kalir, the Leviathan is a serpent that surrounds the earth and has its tail in its mouth, like the GreekOuroboros and the Nordic Midgard Serpent.  Legend has it that in the banquet after the end of conflict, the carcass of the leviathan will be served as a meal, along with the behemoth and the ziz.

Leviathan may also be interpreted as the sea itself, with its counterparts behemoth being the land and ziz being the air and space. Some scholars have interpreted Leviathan, and other references to the sea in the Old Testament, as highly metaphorical references to seafaring marauders who once terrorized the Kingdom of Israel. Others liken the mention to Tiamat and other similar monsters who represented the sea as a foe to the gods in myths of nearby cultures.

The Biblical references to Leviathan appear to have evolved from the Canaanite Baal cycle involving a confrontation between Hadad (Baal) and a seven headed sea monster named Lotan. Lotan is the Ugaritic orthograph for Hebrew Leviathan. Hadad defeats him. Biblical references also resemble the Babylonian creation epic Enûma Elish in which the storm god Marduk slays his mother, the sea monster and goddess of chaos and creation Tiamat and creates the earth and sky from the two halves of her corpse.

Leviathan in rabbinic literature

Creation of Leviathan According to a midrash, the leviathan was created on the fifth day (Yalkut, Gen. 12). Originally God
produced a male and a female leviathan, but lest in multiplying the species should destroy the world, He slew the female, reserving her flesh for the banquet that will be given to the righteous on the advent of theMessiah (B. B. 74a).

The enormous size of the leviathan is thus illustrated by R. Johanan, from whom proceeded nearly all the haggadot concerning this monster: “Once we went in a ship and saw a fish which put his head out of the water. He had horns upon which was written: ‘I am one of the meanest creatures that inhabit the sea. I am three hundred miles in length, and enter this
day into the jaws of the leviathan'” (B. B. l.c.). When the leviathan is hungry, reports R. Dimi in the name of R. Johanan, he sends forth from his mouth a heat so great as to make all the waters of the deep boil, and if he would put his head into paradise no living creature could endure the odor of him (ib.). His abode is the Mediterranean Sea; and the waters of the Jordan fall into his mouth (Bek. 55b; B. B. l.c.).

The body of the leviathan, especially his eyes, possesses great illuminating power. This was the opinion of R. Eliezer, who, in the course of a voyage in company with R. Joshua, explained to the latter, when frightened by the sudden appearance of a brilliant light, that it probably proceeded from the eyes of the leviathan. He referred his companion to the words of Job xli. 18: “By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning” (B. B. l.c.). However, in spite of his supernatural strength, the leviathan is afraid of a small worm called “kilbit”, which clings to the gills of large fishes and kills them (Shab. 77b).

In a legend recorded in a Midrash called Pirke de-Rabbi Eliezer it is stated that the whale which swallowed Jonah narrowly avoided being eaten by the Leviathan, which generally eats one whale each day. Legend has it that in the banquet after the end of conflict, the carcass of the leviathan will be served as a meal, along with the behemoth and the ziz.


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Poking Shadows

I’ve heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

So, I finally got my books last week.  Beginning Luciferian Magick, The Bible of the Adversary and Adversarial Light; the Magick of the Nephilim by Michael W. Ford and Pillars of Tubal Cain by Nigel Jackson and Michael Howard, and finally, The Sun at Night by Roger Williamson.  I’ve only glanced through them, but Bible of the Adversary had some nice hymn type sections I really, really like.

Moved on to the restocking of my tools phase.  I ordered a nice Renaissance Dagger Athame.  Overall length is 12.5″ inches long. Blade is 7.75″ inches long and handle is 4.50″ inches long.  It’s pretty.  And traditional.  And I like traditional.


Pretty, yes?  I think so.  I like that it’s so plain and unassuming.  I saw a picture online of a similar one and, after having perused a couple of websites selling athames but not being able to find one I liked, just knew this was exactly what I wanted and what I’d be happy with.  So, there it is.

I also found a couple of veeeery nice goblets on  Unfortunately, the one I have the greatest hard on for has been discontinued and the only way I can get it is to order it from a different site and pay $100 over the retail price of $300 for it.  It’s called the Chalice of the Last Judgment and commemorates the archangel Michael‘s war against Satan.  The other one I like is the Lord Byron Skull Goblet at $320.  But since I don’t see that happening.. do I?… runners up are the Seventh Son Goblet,  the Black Death Goblet, the Seven Sins Goblet,  and the Raamael Goblet which is the cheapest so far.  My favorite is the Lord Byron with Black Death coming in second.  Only the two most expensive goblets in the list.  I don’t see myself being able to buy one any time soon, but I figure if I can spend a couple of hundred on a single computer part, I can sure as shit spend it on something like this that I’ll keep forever.  I just have to find out if you can actually drink from them.   On the other hand, *way* cheaper than the $1800 plus of the Tibetan Skull cup I saw.

I’ve already got a nice altar.  It’s an antique buffet with cabinets *and* drawers and it’s a nice height and depth.  It’s pretty big, actually and on wheels but you can’t actually see the wheels because they’re hidden.  I’ll post a picture after I get it all together.

So, yes, that’s where I’m at.  Reading and gathering and reading some more.  Speaking of which.. I think I’ll get back to that now.

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I Bleed Enough

I am Penemue

Take The ‘Which Fallen Angel Would You Be?’ Quiz
Brought to you by Angel August’s Abode

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Back to the End of Everything

Another vacant heart dreams of beautiful lies
Filled with emptiness and sorrow
But no tomorrow

Nine years to the month I’ve had this blog.  Two years to the month since I’d last posted in it.  October and July used to be the months when major shifts or changes would happen in my life.  Now, I’m seeing a pattern with September.  So, I’ve been sifting through some of the old posts on here and all I can say is wow.  I think it’s interesting that for like.. I don’t know, years I was so.. whiny.  Probably the majority of my life, actually.  And way *too* focused on my disabilities.  I mean, yeah, a certain amount of attention is due, I think, but not every last thought.  Enough of that, I’m thinkin’.

So, I’m also thinking I might move this blog to Drupal.  As much as I love MT and as long as I’ve been using it, I’m not a fan of how complex the back end has become and how extraordinarily few themes there are for this release.  I’m playing around with a test site
now, so, we’ll see.  In the end, I’ll probably end up leaving it on MT, but maybe not.

As for the blog itself, it’s going to go in a new direction.  I don’t want to delete the past several years of my history because it’s something to look back on and learn from, but
I’m not in that place anymore and I don’t see myself returning to it any time soon.  I mean, yeah, I’m still emo, but not to the ridiculous extent that I was.  I’m much more stable now.  I’m still considering the direction we’re going to go in and I think some restructuring is in order, but there it is.  It will probably be more geared towards my creative endeavors and spiritual development.

Strange how it’s been two years to the month and nearly the week since I last posted a real entry here.  I was obviously not in a good place at the time.  I had been back in Florida for only a couple of months after spending three years in Pennsylvania where the ex I moved up there to be with had abandoned me and my two kids.  Dick.  (But I’m not bitter or anything).

Anyway, that was then, this is now and the past two years have been.. well.. it was what it was and I’m still here.  Being that the Broken Dreams blog, the history it contains and the
person I was when I was maintaining it all those years is no longer relevant/no longer exists, I’ve moved it here.  If you want to waste days of your life that you will never get back getting to know who I was, more power to you.

We all fucking bleed so just let it go

For several years, I haven’t been anywhere near a book on the occult.  I haven’t really read anything at all, in fact, that wasn’t school related or on the web.  I’ve been out of school for a few years now.  I did finally get on disability and when I moved down here, my daughter stayed up north to finish her senior year.  She still lives there.  I have been living with my best friend of twenty two years and her twin 8 year old boys.  Over the past couple of days, however, I’ve been feeling the need to pick up where I left off on my spiritual studies.  To that end, I’ve ordered the Pillars of Tubal Cain and joined The Luciferian Research Society.  I’ve also subscribed to Michael W. Ford‘s YouTube channel.  I’m also perusing websites and making a list of items I need to order to set up the room we’ve set aside to be a ritual room.


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“Guess who’s back”

The say I’m cocky, and I say “What?”
It ain’t braggin’, motherfucker, if you back it up

Dare and his boys hit the Confessional around eleven; after everyone who would be there had gotten there, and worked the crowd. As Samuel predicted, the Ex flew out of their hands. These fucks were like the hippies at Woodstock with all the free love they were paying for. Edward was there. Eden and Genja were there. Morose and Ciara. He didn’t check the VIP room but it seemed that the only people that weren’t there were Naomi, Ava, Sorrow, Anguish and their respective women. The latter few didn’t surprise him. Sorrow and Jenna were probably at home playing the Cleavers with a porn style twist. Anguish and Shay preferred the comfort of beer and pool at Neely’s. But Dare’s mind wasn’t on the people who weren’t there. It wasn’t even on the business at hand. He was thinking ahead to his upcoming meeting with Jimmy. He’d promised the fucker top dollar multiplied by the number of copies he had of Ava’s video and Jimmy was salivating at the thought of easy and unexpected cash to snort up his nose and blow on hookers. What he didn’t know was that Dare didn’t have any intention of giving him fuck all and was about to cut him off completely, sending him as far as Portland to chase his high.
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